Tired

I can feel it in the air, the time is nigh, soon even I won't be able to control the outcome. I will snap on the inside, everything will go black and I'm afraid of what the outcome will be when I can see again, if I can even open my eyes. I don't even know if I will be here. Maybe I will have disappeared into the void my life seams to be hurtling towards. I want to cry out, scream "I beseech thee! Please help me!" But no one listens, they may say they care but at the end of the day, I'm always alone. For what reason do I always do this to myself? A phrase, a song, always something that triggers a memory of something I can't have: eternal happiness with you. Life is always about knocking you down so you can get back up stronger. Somehow though I always get get back up beaten down, bruised and broken. I'm tired. Tired of fighting and never getting what I deserve, tired of the nice guy always ending last, tired of myself and tired of life. If no one really cares then why do I even bother? Maybe if I just give up, really give up and just let whatever happens happen, then I'll be happier then I am right now. If ignorance is bliss maybe I should try being happy regardless of my circumstances for awhile, oblivious to everything. Forget the ticking clock, the swinging pendulum, the slicing blade and just be dumb and numb to it all. Deny myself myself and just be a puppet on a string. It'll never work for I'm neither conventional or ignorant. So I'm back where I started. Alone, broken and bruised. Oh well, who cares anymore? I don't.