Tired

I can feel it in the air, the time is nigh, soon even I won't be able to control the outcome. I will snap on the inside, everything will go black and I'm afraid of what the outcome will be when I can see again, if I can even open my eyes. I don't even know if I will be here. Maybe I will have disappeared into the void my life seams to be hurtling towards. I want to cry out, scream "I beseech thee! Please help me!" But no one listens, they may say they care but at the end of the day, I'm always alone. For what reason do I always do this to myself? A phrase, a song, always something that triggers a memory of something I can't have: eternal happiness with you. Life is always about knocking you down so you can get back up stronger. Somehow though I always get get back up beaten down, bruised and broken. I'm tired. Tired of fighting and never getting what I deserve, tired of the nice guy always ending last, tired of myself and tired of life. If no one really cares then why do I even bother? Maybe if I just give up, really give up and just let whatever happens happen, then I'll be happier then I am right now. If ignorance is bliss maybe I should try being happy regardless of my circumstances for awhile, oblivious to everything. Forget the ticking clock, the swinging pendulum, the slicing blade and just be dumb and numb to it all. Deny myself myself and just be a puppet on a string. It'll never work for I'm neither conventional or ignorant. So I'm back where I started. Alone, broken and bruised. Oh well, who cares anymore? I don't.

Respect and Honor For The Dead

I was watching a movie this weekend, Taking Chance with Kevin Bacon. It's a very touching and sad. It is also based on a true story. It shows the story of an officer transporting the body of a deceased Marine back home to his family. It touched me that in every stop they made or every place they drove through people showed respect for this fallen soldier, either turning on their headlights, or hands over their hearts.
I can remember the first time I ever saw I funeral possession. It was for my great grandmother, and I was a pallbearer. We had a police escort through several different counties, and I can remember seeing the officers flying past us to block an intersection, getting out of the car and putting their hands over their hearts as we drove past. I can remember seeing cars pulling off to the side of the road and turning their headlights on. I asked my dad why they did this and he told me it was a way to show respect not only for my great grandmother but for us the family as well. He told me if I ever see a funeral possession going past me pull over, turn on the headlights and turn down the radio.
This has stuck with me and ever since if I see one go past, I do exactly that. I saw a funeral possession last week and two things made me kinda sad and mad. 1: There were only five cars in the possession 2: Only a few cars including myself pulled over, while most people kept driving past. I wanna touch on the second point first. What is the problem? Are we not teaching our children anymore ways of respect? I question this but I already know the answer. No. If it doesn't directly effect us then it doesn't matter to us anymore. This pains me, I know I'm just as guilty in some aspects as others and I am trying my best to correct these faults of my own.
Which brings me to my first point. Five people. Really? It made me question my actions in my life. I always said if I just touched one person in my life and made a difference then it was all worth it, but is that really how I want it to be? Maybe. I do know that when I die I don't want anyone crying and sad at my funeral. You have your own personal time for that. I want my funeral to be a celebration of my life and the good things I've done and how I helped you in your life. I know people say this all the time and it never happens but I hope that's how my funeral plays out.
My challenge to you: Remember you don't know when it's your time so live life to the fullest. If it's not to much trouble or an inconvenience, show a little respect for others either alive or passed on. You might just make a difference in someones life whether you ever know it or not.

Crazy, Hurtling, Spinning

I've gotta stop this, gotta put an end to these feelings I seam to inflict upon myself. It's almost obsessive. Crazy. I can't seam to control it though, hell I can't seam to control anything anymore. How much pain can one inflict on ones self before it all becomes to much and you hurtle in a downward spiral to a place you can't come back from? What if it's the only way you can feel, the only way you know your alive? I carry my scars well I think. No one knows unless I tell them, so no one ever knows. I cling to things which I cannot have, dream of things that will never be. Hurtling. Do I do crazy things because it's fun, or because I don't care what happens to me? Maybe that's what makes it so fun. Why can't I say that I don't care anymore and actually not? Why am I compelled to care and have concern when it is neither asked for or wanted? Spinning. So I guess I'll keep plummeting faster and further out of control until I hit that bottom of no return. I welcome it though, at least I'll know I was alive.

Muse

Life has left me cold, battered, used and abused. I fought every day just to survive and when I thought I'd has enough and I had fallen to my breaking point and was ready to give up and wait death's embrace, I looked up and saw you smile at me, lighting up your entire face. Like my saving grace, an angel of mercy, the most beautiful presence I have ever laid my eyes upon. You stretched out your hand and lifted me up, into a better time in my life. I can't help but smile when I think of you. Your beauty and creativity push me to be a better person, if only so I can deserve to be in your presence. When all hope was gone and I was lost forever, there you were to pick me up and show me a better way. Your like my muse, my Aphrodite, my driving force. I pray that I can be at least half the person you deserve, and that you won't leave while I strive to make the other half follow suite.

Black

I wear the color that I feel, the color of my soul, my heart or the void where my heart should be. The darkest hour on a moonless night, that is my color. I swirl around in my abyss of pain, torture, agony and defeat. How is it I never feel any pleasant things like love, content or joy? I feel happiness sometimes, though momentary, then despair rushes back in to fill every crevice of my being. Is this some kind of twisted joke played on me by fate? I thought I made my own destiny but life has other idea's. How is it the lowest pieces of dirt get all the luck while good people like me always catch crap? I guess it depends on how you look at it though, if I'm a good person or not. Maybe it is I who am the lowest of the low and they are the hero's unknown. I could sit and grovel this all day or I could rise and charge head on, fight for what belongs to me. Sometimes though, you grow weary and tired of fighting and so you sit and life beat you down. I've been beaten black and blue and purple both mentally and physically so much I barely recognize myself anymore. Maybe that's it, maybe love can't recognize me, so it passes me by, content not even slowing down, and joy turns and runs the other way. When I'm with you, that's when I feel happiness, that's why I always want to be with you. It's when we part, or when someone else is on your mind that reality crashes down and reminds me; good things don't last forever. So why not enjoy it while I can? It's all I have the cling to in this forsaken existence I call life. Just push me back into the black when you've had your fun, oh life of torture and pain, I surrender. For now.

Fashion Does & Don'ts

Now I may not be the most fashion oriented person in the world, in fact a few people have said something here and there about my casual or dark look, but when I see something that makes me go "wow! STOP IT PUT IT AWAY!!" then somethings wrong. So here is a list of fashion does & don'ts. fell free to add any you have.

• Fashion Don't: Dudes in shorts that come above the knee, your not Daisy put the dukes away!
• Fashion Don't: earpiece with mic stick; good for playing games or telemarketers, bad for walking around the box store talking at top of your lungs.
• Fashion Don't: dressing in layers is always good, but the coveralls, parka and hat with ear flaps and chin strap in 48-54 degrees weather is overkill.
• Fashion Don't: if its 28degrees out, however big a jacket you got on, you'll still freeze in shorts. Also see common sense.
• Fashion Does: plaid is good for lumberjacks, the punk look, kilts, etc. Mixed with neon pink and green, not so much.
• Fashion Does: its OK to be different or make a statement as long as its tasteful. Black and chains always go together, cowboy hats n fitting jeans do to.
• More Don'ts: flipflops and socks, any dude in shorts and boots of any kind, shorts and long socks pulled up high....
• Never combo: cowboy hats fubu plaid emo pants flip flops liberty spikes saggy pants or a mullet in anyway shape or form!!
• Fashion Don't: liberty spikes fubu jersey emo tight pants and flip flops don't scream good sense of taste.
• Fashion Don't: I don't care what your bf says the cowboy hat and pants sagging below your @$$ doesn't make your package look bigger.... Also see Reasons your still single.

I will update the list as it grows, and trust me it will.

Artwork I've done

This painting followed the "Land of the Free" blog I posted. One of the few paintings I did that actually turned out the way I wanted. (The phrase is a lyric from Rage Against The Machine)

Individuality

Today was such a beautiful day, so me and my buddy were sitting out on the porch talking for awhile and one of the conversations we had really struck me and I wanted to share with you.

Why is it parents are always disappointed with you when and if you do something that isn't in their plan for you, like tattoo's, piercings, jobs, spouses, etc? I realize all parents want whats best for their children, and want them to succeed, but just because you get a tattoo or whatever doesn't mean you've failed. Your children are not you, they never will be, everyone is unique and different and special in their own way. What we do to ourselves isn't to fit in, or stand out, or whatever, it's to express our individuality. I am blessed to say my dad doesn't look down on me or discredit me for any of my tats or piercings, regardless of if he likes them or not. He understands that I am my own person. But most can't say that.
Parents aren't they only ones who do this though. Most people do this whether they realize it or not. If you don't dress a certain way, or drive a certain type of vehicle, or listen to the certain type of music, then you aren't cool enough to hang out with them. Why? What's that about? They don't like it when someone gives them crap for the things they do, so why do the same to others?
We are a nation based on different ethnics, backgrounds, and individuality making us a whole. I have been lucky enough to surround myself with people who are like minded and don't care what you wear, listen to, drive, etc. As long as your open minded enough to except us for who we are, we will do the same for you.
So i challenge you: The next time you start to judge someone based on appearances, stop and ask yourself, "How would I feel if it were me?" Give them a chance, you could be turning away a potential best friend you'd ever have.

Beautiful Morning....

So I came out of work the other morning, pi$$ed off (they do us so wrong), and walked into one of the most beautiful sunrises I've seen in a long time. Just reminds me that no matter how bad the night, or time, there's always beauty waiting around the corner. When was the last time you stopped and just admired the beauty in something?

Training Our Children (prev. posted on Myspace 11/07/07)

So this one spins off of the blog I wrote "The Land Of The Free?" Probably going to be a series of blogs about this until my voice is heard! Lol, anyways.

I had mentioned that we needed to bring prayer back into the schools, or at least not harass those who chose to pray, and a friend brought up a very good point that I want to address now. How can we let our kids pray now, when we know that little Timmy brought a gun to school to shoot billy, because he said his mother was a whore? If they will shoot over calling someone names, what would they do if akhmed told bobby that his god was better? It would be horrible, right now.
What we need to do is train our children that it's OK to be different. Yes we need to start teaching this in school, but school alone isn't going to help. The parents have to show it as well, or the kids will never listen. You are the biggest role model your child has growing up. I know from personal experience, that when my step kids go to their father's or he is mentioned, I am careful not to say anything discouraging about him, around them. When their momma happens to mention something about they way she believes, I don't say anything around them that would sound like I'm challenging her, or cutting her belief system down. I myself, am a practitioner, and I never tell them that my way is the best, even if it is the best way for me. That would be wrong, and goes against everything I stand for. One week this past summer they went to Vacation Bible School at a local baptist church. I rolled my eyes when I heard, but the where already there. When they got home, I listened to everything they told me, and showed them the best encouragement that I knew how to, and even spent two hours on Sunday evening at the church with them, because they wanted a parent present, and my wife had to work. Yes, I was uncomfortable, but it is important to me to show I support them, no matter what they do or choose to believe in.
Do you do things like this with your kids? Or are you set in your ways, and without realizing, training your kids to be just like little billy, and Timmy?
Yes their only four and five, and they might not fully understand everything, but they already pick up on everything you say and do, and are remembering it. Both my kids can sing "Gravedigger" -Dave Mathews Band, word for word. They know a bunch of country songs they listen to with their mother, as well as metal and rock songs they listen to with me. My boy even knows and head bangs along with me to songs like "Crazy Train" and "Enter the Sandman." Everything you do, they pick up on. My children are exposed to many different things, two of my roommates are atheist, two are backslidden Baptist girls, one I don't even know what he is, and myself I am a practitioner. I believe we expose our kids to many things, therefore they will be more open to others in school and eventually, everyday life. Billy yells at Akeem and says his ways are wrong, now in school, and ends up 3127946523079 sitting in a prison cell somewhere for hate crimes, or even killing someone, just because we showed him it's OK to hate others.
So what are you raising your children to be? Little billy's of the world? Or children who except others, and make it in life with little strife?
Think About It!

The Land Of The Free (prev. posted on myspace 11/02/07)

So i got this survey from a friend the other day, and one of the questions in it was "Is this the land of the free?" and I replied "The land of the free? Whoever told you that is your enemy!- Rage Against The Machine" Ever since then, thoughts about this issue keep coming to mind and damn it!, I want to share with you what they are.

Is this the land of the free? NO! It's a land of the free, to an extinct. Every day we give more and more of our rights as Americans away to the "Democracy". Soon it will be a dictatorship, mark my words. First is was prayer in schools, and while I might not be a baptist, or catholic, or whatever, I do believe that if you want to pray to your god, whoever that may be, then by all means do so. If you want to ask for a good day before school starts why shouldn't you? Instead they have a "moment of silence" so not to offend anyone, and if you speak in this moment of silence, you get detention, and repeated times leads to suspension. What is this? What kid do you know that can talk to themselves without saying something out loud? This is bull people, and yet we just stand aside and let them walk over us. "It's OK because we have our rights!" Ha!
No smoking. What? I used to smoke, so I sympathize with all the smokers out there when I say, "When did they ask us if wanted this ban to happen?" They didn't. Now you can't smoke within twenty (20) feet of a restaurant, or public facility without getting fined $500, for the first offense. What is this crap? Soon, we won't even be able to smoke in our own cars (keep in mind, in some states that's now a law), or our houses. Why? We know it's bad for us, but if we want to kill ourselves slowly by enjoying seven and a half minutes of nicotine, why can't we? Did we do anything about this? No, we just stood aside, and let them walk all over us. "It's OK because we still have our rights." Ha!
Do something about it, they say, speak up and let your voice be heard, they say, change the world they say. How? I am a hard working man, trying to earn a living (which is hard to do making so little money while the cost of living keeps rising), to raise my family. I don't have enough time to do that and plan huge rallies and demo's, to let people know how I feel, to find other people who feel the same way. Does it matter? NO, because it's not up to us anyways, it's up to the rich, pompous political fat cats with the ultimate decision. Run for president. I can't. You have to be thirty-five before you can do that, and I'm twelve years shy of that, and by that time we probably won't be a land of the free anymore.
This is bull people, we stand aside, and let them walk all over us, while hiding under the garb the we "Still have our rights as American Citizens" while slowly giving up right after right until we have nothing left. Is this what our fore fathers fought and died for? Is this why they fled a country that ruled with an iron fist, and fought for years to maintain a state of freedom? Fought in two great world wars to keep the dream of freedom alive? No, and I think if they could, they would rise up from their graves and kick everyone of us in the ass for letting their life efforts go in vain.
Children are raped and abused in schools daily, and we turn our heads, "that's not really happening", murder's are let free because we don't have any room for them in our jails, there filled with the repeat druggies, people starve and live in poverty in our back yards people, because we can't afford the things we need with the rising cost of living, and all the while we stand aside and let them walk all over us, "It's OK because we still have our rights!" NO MORE!! I am over this bull!! No longer will I set back and watch and not say anything! This is my land, my home, my rights as an American Citizen, to live they way I want to, to pray to and believe whatever/ whoever I choose to, to bare arms, and speak up about the alarming rate our rights are stripped away from us. NO longer will I let "the man" make me worry if I'm going to jail because I said the president of the United States of America isn't doing his job, and should be removed!

I know some of you, a lot of you feel the same way I do. Don't be scared. Stand up for yourselves, as Americans, and take back what is rightfully yours, what our forefathers fought and died for, to protect. Don't be another one to just stand aside. Get in their face and demand our rights back! After all, this is the land of the free, right?

Think about it

"That Look" Writing of mine

I've seen that before, that look in your eye. The look that cries out sadness, pity, pain and sorrow. I may be mistaken but longing and desire are in there too. That look, the look of love for someone you can't have, yet it burns so in your soul, you'd give anything for that person, or the end to the agony, whichever comes first. The pained smile that creeps over half your face, when you think about that someone, the way they talk, or something you did together. The look, if they were paying attention would tell them, I want you oh so bad, but I want you to be happy more. I've seen that look before, that look in your eye. It was on my face, when I looked at you.

Copyright Pending

Challenge to your core (prev. posted on myspace 12/19/08)

What is it about us as a people, as a country, that we still hold onto prejudice ways, long after so many rights movement took place to end this awful thing? First we hated black people, some still do, then we hated Hispanic people, some still do, now we turn on each other? I'm not just talking to white people either. Blacks hate blacks and Hispanics hate Hispanics just as much. If he had been born into your set would you still hate him the way you do? Probably not. So why do we hold onto this? Aren't we all the same anymore? If you'd stop for a minute, and check, your probably hating yourself without ever knowing it. Me for example, I have German, Dutch, Scottish, Irish, English, African, Cherokee, Cree and Saux blood in my veins. So it would be stupid of me to say I hate black people, when in essence, I'm saying I hate myself. So what if she married a black guy? So what if he married a Hispanic girl? Isn't it diversity that makes us a nation? Is our flag not multi colored? It's gone so far from racism now to pure prejudice. Americans hate Americans now, white, black, brown, yellow, it doesn't matter. People look at me, and hate me because I have tattoo's and piercings and wear black shirts. You didn't hate me when I was the contractor building your house, the contractor building your place of work. You didn't hate me when I was the cook, preparing the food you ate. You didn't hate me when I was the machine operator who made the cushy chair you sit in. Maybe it was because you were grateful. I used to think that, but now I wonder if it was because you didn't see me, didn't notice me. All you saw was your house, your food, your chair. That's b.s.!! Why do we continue to allow ourselves, our children to be conditioned this way? What can we do about it you ask. Open your eyes! You don't know me, how dare you judge me! To quote an unknown author " Who are you to judge me and the life I live? I know that I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be. So before you point your finger make sure your own hands are clean." I tell my kids everyday, it's OK to be different. It's not nice to make fun of someone because they are different. Their mother and I are two different people, with two different taste, yet we don't subject them to either or. We let them experience as much as possible to broaden their horizon, make them more open. If we as Americans can vote in a black president and break the racial stereotype set on our country, can't we abolish the prejudice we carry as well? People get so bored or caught up in themselves they go as far as to be prejudice against a shift at work. Why? Nothing better to do? Or is the urge to hate so strong you clamor for any excuse available? People who claim to be Christians and do this are the most hypocritical in my eyes. Jesus wasn't white, and didn't he say to love thy neighbor as thyself? Did he not tell you to spread his message of love and salvation to the Jews and gentiles? News flash, we are the gentiles. We, Americans are responsible for breaking down America, from the inside out. Unless we wake up, and act now, we will have devoured everything we hold dear in our lives and it won't be much longer either.
Think about it.
Fattie.

BTW:
I can post writings and poetry for days and you read it, no problems, but as soon as I post something that challenges your core, makes you stop and think, everyone is up in arms. Why is that? Before you scoff and question me and my way of thinking, maybe you should check yourself. Find out who your really angry at.

Welcome to Fattie's Corner

Hello and welcome to Fattie's Corner. I've been blogging off and on for a few years on my myspace (http://www.myspace.com/rebel7_17), but I wanted to expand my range, so taking a que from Marc Anthony (Star 102.1 Morning talk show host, Marc & Kim & Frank in the morning, http://www.notfrankmurphy.blogspot.com/) who took a que from Frank Murphy (Star 102.1 Morning talk show host, Marc & Kim & Frank in the morning, http://www.frankmurphy.com/fmblog.htm) I decided to start one here. My blogs vary from music to writings of mine to political and religious topics. Hope you enjoy and thank you for taking the time out to check out my end of the world and all it's splendor.